An attempt to add a “January Exception” to the U.S. constitution failed yesterday as GOP leaders could not muster enough votes to pass their bill. The 44-to-56 vote was a major victory for constitutional originalism, law and order, and other concepts that the GOP used to believe in.

“I’m disappointed in the result.” said Joe Embez, “How could I be convicted of stealing from my employer when I don’t work there any more?” said Joe Embez, who’s embezzlement trial begins next week. Joe stole $5 million dollars from his employer before quitting five days later.

In an interview with The Washington Post, famed Broadway rapper Alexander Hamilton said, “How stupid do you think I am, asshats? When I wrote that part of the constitution I made sure to prevent that loophole! Don’t fuck with my words!"