Comcast's concern is that they can't fuck you hard enough

reading time 3 min

Comcast’s #1 concern is that if they can’t fuck you hard enough.

Or, as Vice reported it, Comcast Is Lobbying Against Encryption That Could Prevent it From Learning Your Browsing History.

If Comcast can’t see what you’re doing, they can’t fuck with what you are doing.

And, oh boy, do they want to fuck you hard.

They want to fuck you in your livingroom. They want to fuck you in the bedroom. They want to fuck you on your phone. They want to fuck your children, your parents, your spouse, and all of your friends. They want to fuck you everywhere you connect to the internet.

The problem is that Chrome and Firefox are about to prevent this, so Comcast is lobbying Congress to create a law that will dictate how software companies write their code.

What kind of skullfuckery does Comcast want to do?

Example 1: When CNN places an advert on their webpage, Comcast wants to be able to substitute a different advert. Comcast wants to sell a service where the highest bidder can substitute ads on any website and Comcast will keep the profit. It it is two-fer because it will make them money, and defund competitors. Imagine never seeing a FIOS advert again because you only see ads for Comcast.

Example 2: Comcast wants to be able to collect what sites you visit, and sell that information to the highest bidder. Why? Because there are literally thousands of companies looking to buy this information… and I assure you the people that want such info are not the good guys. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Example 3: Comcast wants to detect when you try to visit your favorite website, and redirect you to a different website. The highest bidder will choose for you!

Basically Comcast wants the right to fuck you harder. They are very concerned that currently they can only fuck you a little. They want to bet the bank on being allowed to FUCK YOU HARDER.

Oh, and since Comcast owns NBC, what could this mean? Want to watch that new TV show on Netflix? Well, fuck you. Comcast wants you to first view an advert for who’s on SNL this weekend. Want to view your local TV news station’s website? Well fuck you… you’re going to see NBC’s local news.

Wait… is Tom serious? Yes, here’s the pointpoint slides that they’re using when they lobby congress: Comcast Is Lobbying Against Encryption That Could Prevent it From Learning Your Browsing History

Oh, but Tom, that sounds like new stuff! Surely your paranoid!

No, they’ve done this before. Remember these great moments in ISPs history?

So, what can we do?

What can we do? NOTHING because the GOP has convinced people that “net neutrality” is a socialist take-over of the internet. No, fuckheads, it isn’t. It’s forcing ISPs to play fair and not fuck with us.

Oh well. GOP conspiracy theories fuck us all… again!

Tom Limoncelli

Tom Limoncelli

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